Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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