Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
why do cheetos always look like penises
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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