thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
