How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
