mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
