Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Houston, we have a blender
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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