this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
