He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Drunk is not a location!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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