I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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