I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Houston, we have a blender
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So much rum. So many feels.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
