They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
