Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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