i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
