I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
