Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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