Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
