I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
