I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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