she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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