im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
