all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
