It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
