I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
