I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
