I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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