Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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