Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
