if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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