shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
