the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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