I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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