dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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