two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
