Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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