if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize