I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
