Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
