So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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