The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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