The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need to sanitize my soul.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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