so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
