when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize