Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
