FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
