We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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