i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
