My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
