I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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