Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
