even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
