there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
