i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
