Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
