if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
