I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Do you have feelings for this penis?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
