i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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