At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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