My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
