you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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