Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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